Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
You Might Also Like
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
My love language is hissing.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
#merica
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?