About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
You Might Also Like
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Made something I’m not proud of
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.