Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of IamEveryDayPpl's best tweets

@IamEveryDayPpl : I didn't mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today... I just wanted to be first on Santa's lap before he got peed on.

@IamEveryDayPpl: My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Me: "I wish I was super hot..."

Menopause: "I got you, boo."

@IamEveryDayPpl: I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who've left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

@IamEveryDayPpl: *hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

@IamEveryDayPpl: My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping...

Weird.

@IamEveryDayPpl: I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said "Liz's. Don't Touch!" for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.