Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of IamEveryDayPpl's best tweets

@IamEveryDayPpl : I opened a pistachio once... Worst 37 minutes of my life.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don't know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: ...

@IamEveryDayPpl: *drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

@IamEveryDayPpl: It may look like I'm a sloppy eater but really I'm just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics...

@IamEveryDayPpl: If you get lost on Columbus Day you're allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

@IamEveryDayPpl: The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...

@IamEveryDayPpl: I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

@IamEveryDayPpl: <first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

@IamEveryDayPpl: LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Me: Dear Santa...

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I'm going to just stop you right there.