@IamEveryDayPpl: 1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn't see me naked...
@IamEveryDayPpl: What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
@IamEveryDayPpl: My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
@IamEveryDayPpl: Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Me: Top desk drawer.
@IamEveryDayPpl: Kids are making millions off apps and games they've created and I haven't watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote...
@IamEveryDayPpl: Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper...
@IamEveryDayPpl: Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don't have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can't go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
@IamEveryDayPpl: Cop: *searching my car*
"WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT'S HERE!"
Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
"IT'S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!"