@IamEveryDayPpl: Me: Dear Santa...
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I'm going to just stop you right there.
@IamEveryDayPpl: The word "karaoke" comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: "go home, you're drunk."
@IamEveryDayPpl: That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open...
@IamEveryDayPpl: Me: Can I leave early today?
Me: Can you leave early then?
@IamEveryDayPpl: My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers...
@IamEveryDayPpl: 1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn't see me naked...
@IamEveryDayPpl: What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
@IamEveryDayPpl: My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
@IamEveryDayPpl: Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Me: Top desk drawer.