Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of IamEveryDayPpl's best tweets

@IamEveryDayPpl : Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

@IamEveryDayPpl: My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping...

Weird.

@IamEveryDayPpl: I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said "Liz's. Don't Touch!" for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

@IamEveryDayPpl: If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

@IamEveryDayPpl: I'll pick my dog's poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

@IamEveryDayPpl: 17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels' sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

@IamEveryDayPpl: I opened a pistachio once...

Worst 37 minutes of my life.