Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of IamEveryDayPpl's best tweets

@IamEveryDayPpl : My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers...

@IamEveryDayPpl: 1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn't see me naked...

@IamEveryDayPpl: What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

@IamEveryDayPpl: My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Kids are making millions off apps and games they've created and I haven't watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote...

@IamEveryDayPpl: Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper...

@IamEveryDayPpl: Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don't have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can't go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

@IamEveryDayPpl: Cop: *searching my car*
"WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT'S HERE!"

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
"IT'S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!"