Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of IamEveryDayPpl's best tweets

@IamEveryDayPpl : LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Me: Dear Santa...

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I'm going to just stop you right there.

@IamEveryDayPpl: The word "karaoke" comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: "go home, you're drunk."

@IamEveryDayPpl: That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open...

@IamEveryDayPpl: Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

@IamEveryDayPpl: My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers...

@IamEveryDayPpl: 1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn't see me naked...

@IamEveryDayPpl: What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

@IamEveryDayPpl: My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.