Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of IamEveryDayPpl's best tweets

@IamEveryDayPpl : My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping... Weird.

@IamEveryDayPpl: I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said "Liz's. Don't Touch!" for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

@IamEveryDayPpl: If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

@IamEveryDayPpl: I'll pick my dog's poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

@IamEveryDayPpl: 17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels' sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

@IamEveryDayPpl: I opened a pistachio once...

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don't know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: ...

@IamEveryDayPpl: *drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*