“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
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My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Stick it to the man
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.