Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Ideal_Victoria's best tweets

@Ideal_Victoria : Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

@Ideal_Victoria: Date: Sing me something

Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫

*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”

@Ideal_Victoria: I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I'm pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

@Ideal_Victoria: Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

@Ideal_Victoria: Me: This is the year I'm going to save money.

Also me: *googles, "how to purchase a baby elephant?"*

@Ideal_Victoria: My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

@Ideal_Victoria: Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

@Ideal_Victoria: Me: I can't get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

@Ideal_Victoria: On the list of things I've learned today:

1. You're not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

@Ideal_Victoria: Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.