Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Ideal_Victoria's best tweets

@Ideal_Victoria : Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

@Ideal_Victoria: Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

@Ideal_Victoria: Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh... You do know we're at my house right?

@Ideal_Victoria: [during sex]
Him: it'd be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

@Ideal_Victoria: Life doesn't do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

@Ideal_Victoria: Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

@Ideal_Victoria: Date: Sing me something

Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫

*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”

@Ideal_Victoria: I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I'm pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

@Ideal_Victoria: Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

@Ideal_Victoria: Me: This is the year I'm going to save money.

Also me: *googles, "how to purchase a baby elephant?"*