me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
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I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
what’s really going on
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself