jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
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Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.