me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
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Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Don’t touch that.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Life with a cat in one tweet
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.