This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?