I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor