Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me: