[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
You Might Also Like
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?