Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
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Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
A classic…
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.