ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
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Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately