[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Happy weekend !
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.