Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
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Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.