Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
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[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!