The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
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[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.