Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
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To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Webb. James Webb.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.