I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
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me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My five year plan is a meteorite
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
what kind of cook setting is this??
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*