If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
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Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
What my back needs
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!