ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
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Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.