Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
You Might Also Like
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Attacked by a mop.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.