12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
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Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.