Oh yeh? Explain this then
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
craving $300 all of a sudden
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.