Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
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[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Someone just threatened to call me later
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no