someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.