[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
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Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.