@JB4Realz: It all started when I realized that we didn't call whiskers on rodents "mouse-taches"
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o'clock.
@JB4Realz: [Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
@JB4Realz: INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I'm unemployed.
@JB4Realz: WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for "Identical".
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
@JB4Realz: HER: I'm leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
@JB4Realz: WIFE: What the...?
ME: I'm teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken's ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
@JB4Realz: Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.