Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JB4Realz's best tweets

@JB4Realz : ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself "who saved who?" DOG: We've been over this...it's "Who saved 'whom'."

@JB4Realz: It all started when I realized that we didn't call whiskers on rodents "mouse-taches"

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o'clock.

@JB4Realz: [Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

@JB4Realz: Copy Editor is a rewording career.

@JB4Realz: INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I'm unemployed.

@JB4Realz: WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for "Identical".

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

@JB4Realz: HER: I'm leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

@JB4Realz: WIFE: What the...?
ME: I'm teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken's ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

@JB4Realz: Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.

@JB4Realz: They should make erasers for Crayons called "Crayoffs".