[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
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Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building