Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
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You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
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