I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
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Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.