When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
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We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Realize this:
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED