[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
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I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Not helping
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.