I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*