Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
What a website
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.