I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
You Might Also Like
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.