I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
…u ok Nintendo?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Saw online –
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas