Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.