I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
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[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
58.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
When you let grandma cat sit
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.