Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
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When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.