My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
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[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
It do be feeling this way.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.