The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
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My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb