Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
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[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS