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“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I forgot how to panic. Help
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*