Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
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me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.