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I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces