*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
What about a To-Don’t List?
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Thanks to a fan for this one!
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
#ParentingFacts
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!