@JennyJohnsonHi5: I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: "Yeah, well your dog isn't a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you're vaccinated" - how a kid talks shit in 2015

@JennyJohnsonHi5: If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don't even have to be gay, it's just a fun thing to do.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: Don't forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else's house and telling everyone it's yours, then closing the post office.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: "It's very expensive." - Chipotle employee

"Look, I got money to spend in here." - Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra