a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
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People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.