@Jerrypleasure: date: i am interested in a charming guy
[to impress her]
me [lifts off flute]: awesome, hold this snake
@Jerrypleasure: *robbing a bank*
6-year-old: dad, take that stocking off. There's only about 80 cents in this piggy bank.
@Jerrypleasure: Me: *gives fiancé a diamond necklace*
Fiancé: OMG babe, I also want to go for a road trip
Me: Get in the car
Fiancé: But that's a police car
Me: You’re already wearing a stolen jewelry
@Jerrypleasure: [Kindergarten school]
Principal: You have to stop peeing in your pants.
Principal: to set a good example for your students
@Jerrypleasure: god *creates chicken* go enjoy your life !
chicken: what’s behind your back
god *hiding KFC recipe* just do as I say
@Jerrypleasure: Newspaper: A 6yo saved someone's life.
*flashback to me finding a discount coupon on road*
ME: I also have big news.
@Jerrypleasure: [At Wedding Ceremony]
Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I'm a divorce lawyer
@Jerrypleasure: Elon Musk: *launches car into space*
Me: why don't you do something for economically poor class
Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*