Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Jerrypleasure's best tweets

@Jerrypleasure : me: kids are so stupid. they'll do anything for chocolate wife: if you do the laundry, I'll buy you a snickers me: done

@Jerrypleasure: date: i am interested in a charming guy

[to impress her]

me [lifts off flute]: awesome, hold this snake

@Jerrypleasure: *robbing a bank*
6-year-old: dad, take that stocking off. There's only about 80 cents in this piggy bank.

@Jerrypleasure: [desert]
wife: my water's broke
me: *parched* oh thank god

@Jerrypleasure: Me: *gives fiancé a diamond necklace*
Fiancé: OMG babe, I also want to go for a road trip
Me: Get in the car
Fiancé: But that's a police car
Me: You’re already wearing a stolen jewelry

@Jerrypleasure: [Kindergarten school]

Principal: You have to stop peeing in your pants.

Me: But—

Principal: to set a good example for your students

@Jerrypleasure: god *creates chicken* go enjoy your life !

chicken: what’s behind your back

god *hiding KFC recipe* just do as I say

@Jerrypleasure: Newspaper: A 6yo saved someone's life.

*flashback to me finding a discount coupon on road*

ME: I also have big news.

@Jerrypleasure: [At Wedding Ceremony]

Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I'm a divorce lawyer

@Jerrypleasure: Elon Musk: *launches car into space*

Me: why don't you do something for economically poor class

Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*