Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JessObsess's best tweets

@JessObsess : I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

@JessObsess: I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

@JessObsess: If someone tells me, "no rush" then I'm basically never doing it.

@JessObsess: Unless there's a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don't want to see your vacation pictures.

@JessObsess: *Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

@JessObsess: The main reason I don't own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

@JessObsess: ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

@JessObsess: I haven't asked any of my coworkers what they're doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

@JessObsess: I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

@JessObsess: My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.