@JessObsess: ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that
ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
@JessObsess: I haven't asked any of my coworkers what they're doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
@JessObsess: I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
@JessObsess: My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
@JessObsess: [drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can't we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
@JessObsess: I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
@JessObsess: ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder
*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING