I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
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WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.