“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
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🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
are there any atheist mantises?
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Breaking news:
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Modded the new Gran Turismo
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes